Starting the conversation about aging parents with your siblings

We need to talk about Mom

Last night, Anna and Barry sat down to have a conversation about their mother, Louise.

Anna is wondering if she should invite Louise to come and live with her. She’s noticed that her mother is letting her laundry pile up and she’s stopped attending her senior’s group as often because she’s having trouble getting around.

Barry hasn’t noticed these things, but he doesn’t live as close by. He’s also a bit skeptical about the move because Anna has three kids and they already live in a tight space. Living a few hours away and with a job that keeps him on the road, he’s less connected with Louise, although he does have a standing reminder in his calendar to call her weekly.

So, the question is, are you Anna or are you Barry?

Actually, whether you’re the close sibling or the further one, geographically or emotionally, doesn’t matter. What matters is that these siblings, adult children with their own busy lives, are taking the time to talk about ways they can support their mother. Want to have the same kind of conversation? Here are some tips that can help you get started:

Find a neutral time (and place)

There’s a reason you may have avoided a conversation with your siblings about your parents: it’s hard. And awkward. Not only is there the deepening role reversal of the child looking out for the parent, but your parents’ aging can be a stark reminder of their mortality, and even of your own.

Then there’s family dynamics. Some siblings may be more sensitive to these conversations than others. Others express their concerns differently. Frustration, fear, and guilt are all perfectly normal emotions. But the differences that have already shaped your relationships as adult siblings will definitely be in play. Your brother who avoids difficult conversations at all costs? Probably will try to dodge things here too. Your other brother, who tries to take over and solve every problem? He’s already got three suggestions on how to handle this.

A first step is to try and find a neutral time for the conversation. Not the Thanksgiving dinner table. Not after Dad has had a fall. Instead, try adding an hour on before a regular family gathering. Try meeting on Zoom if you don’t live farther apart (video is good for seeing emotional reactions, even if it’s online.) Meet at a local restaurant or coffee shop if you’d like the extra neutrality of a public space.

If you’re nerdy agenda types, you could even create a short agenda, say: things we’ve noticed about mom, brainstorm solutions, actions to try first. Giving each sibling a chance to contribute will add to a sense of fairness that everyone has a voice. At the start of the conversation, remind everyone of your common goal to support mom and dad. Practice active listening, where you reaffirm a contribution with eye contact and nods of support. Accept that you may not agree on all decisions. Rather than a vote, agree to make decisions on consensus or discussion.

Research the options

If you’re one who initiated the conversation, you may want to find out what options are available. Think about what made you notice your parents’ situation. If you’re like Anna and saw the laundry piling up, think about any other issues you could also tackle. Maybe the fridge is also getting emptier. Think of recent conversations where your parents may have complained about something and how that might be solved.

Then consider the options. Yes, at the more life-changing end, there’s the option to move in with one of the adult children. Or into a senior’s residence, or even an assisted living facility.

But there are also other supports that are less extreme, and more gradual.

If you’ve identified that mom could use help with the laundry and some light housework, why not try solving for that specific problem as a first step? If dad’s still mowing the lawn in his 80s and sees it as a chore, there are services out there to help. Whether a local provider or a one-stop option like Vyta, you can find trusted providers to lighten the load. Ask friends who are also supporting aging parents, look online, ask your family doctor.

Move one step at a time

Like Anna, your first inclination might be to panic. While the instinct to move her mom is likely rooted in deep caring, it will truly upend her family’s life. Also, her mother is likely accustomed to living on her own and values her independence. Good news: there are steps in between that extreme option.

For Anna and Barry, it may be looking into transit services that can help Louise get to her seniors’ group. And it may be signing up for a few hours a week of home cleaning. Or a property maintenance package.

As you discuss solutions with your siblings, prioritize what help would make the difference to your parents’ lives. Many providers these days, including Vyta, offer packages where you can start with one service, say property maintenance like lawn cutting and snow removal, and then add on other services like home care and companionship.

Involve your parents

Like most adults, the only time your parents would be happy to hear that you’ve been talking behind their backs is if you’ve been planning a surprise party. So be gentle when bringing them in to the conversation. Don’t just spring your “great” ideas on them, as it’s possible they won’t see them that way. Instead, repeat your approach with siblings: find a neutral time and place to talk with mom (a time when you’re already together like a visit to the park with the grandkids) and feel free to nominate your most tactful sibling to discuss with mom. Tell her that you’ve already discussed the issue with your siblings and have their support (she may worry that the conversation has divided her kids).

Discuss a couple of the elements you’ve noticed in a way that’s neutral, so she doesn’t feel defensive. Bring along your phone to share the websites you’ve found with solutions. Ask your dad how he would feel about giving up the lawn mowing and snow shovelling. Offer to cover the costs if that may be an objection (this should be part of your sibling discussion). Present the option as a trial that they can drop if they’re not satisfied (pretty sure that someone who has their lawn mowed the first time is not going back to mowing). Listen actively again during this conversation. Tell your parents you love them and want to see them thrive in this age they’ve worked hard to get to.

Keep in touch with siblings 

With Vyta, our lifestyle advisors can be a valuable resource during this transition. They can work as your personal concierge, helping to coordinate services, answer questions, and provide support. And when it comes to having these conversations, our team can visit your parents’ home to discuss their needs and explore how Vyta can help them maintain their independence and quality of life, while aging in place.

More good news? The first sibling conversation is likely the hardest, the next following conversations will be little easier next times will be easier. High fives all around!