How to start a conversation about supporting aging parents with home care
How to start a conversation about supporting aging parents with home care
In an ideal world, we would approach our parents with the suggestion that they could use some help around the house, maybe even some personal care and they would embrace the idea immediately. Heck, maybe in this fantasy they are even the ones to suggest it!
Unfortunately, the world is not ideal. And many parents may have hesitations when it comes to accepting help as they age. They might see it as a threat to their independence. They may feel judged, imagining that your observations are criticism and you are a spy in their home. They may resent the role reversal. They may be in denial. They may be worried about how much it will cost. They may be thinking, “hey missy, I’ve seen you in toddler diapers and in your teenage rebellion phase, so who are you to tell me—”
Despite the potential awkwardness, there are many good reasons to gather your courage and have this type of talk with your parents. For starters, finding support early can help stave off decline. If mom is doing less running up and down stairs to keep doing the laundry, there’s less chance she’ll have a fall. Dad may well be ready to give up lawn mowing, he just thinks he needs to keep going because he’s always done it. Getting help also increases the chance that they will be able to stay in their homes for longer (the primary goal for many seniors).
The talk can even help your own relationship. If you’re finding that your worry level has increased, along with the amount of time you might spend running over to your parents’ place, then home care can potentially help your relationship. Surely you too want to spend more time together doing fun things, like sharing meals or going out, than changing lightbulbs, doing laundry or any of the other errands that can make a visit feel like overwhelming.
If you’re looking for good news, you can find it in the fact that having this talk with your parents is easier when you’ve put some thought into what you’re going to say. While you’ll know what’s best for your own family situation, here are some tips to make it work:
Think about how your parents will feel
You know your own parent well enough that you’re likely able to predict some of their concerns. Maybe Dad’s a very independent personality. Maybe he’s been a worrier about money. Maybe Mom considers herself to be very private, and would hate the thought of a stranger in her homes. Think about their major objections, and prepare yourself to answer them honestly and with empathy, while avoiding the urge to develop a counter-argument to every point. Think about the emotions they will express—are they quick to feel overwhelmed or to anger? Think about how the conversation will go, and think about how you will keep your own emotions in check.
Set a neutral time to chat
Set a separate time to meet with your parents, ideally at a neutral point when everyone is relaxed. Maybe arrange to spend the afternoon together, to have tea or work outside in the garden. If you have siblings, discuss the conversation with them (you can even appoint one to have the conversation if one of you is better at these talks). When you start the conversation, prepare what you will say, but mostly prepare to listen. You might even practice role-playing the conversation with a sibling or your spouse to consider how you will respond compassionately to some of your parents’ objections.
Don’t try to tackle everything at once
Plan to address one or two elements that you’re concerned about within the conversation. Pick the issue you’re most concerned about, for example if you’ve noticed mom’s fridge looking emptier and she looks like she’s lost weight, it might be useful to focus on the need to get her shopping in for her, rather than add on the laundry and the housecleaning and pile everything on top. She may already feel uncomfortable about your observations, so help her to see that you’re not judging her but wanting to help her. Tell her you love her.
Discuss solutions together
Preparing for this conversation begins with understanding the options available in your community. Vyta offers a range of personalized care solutions to empower your loved ones to remain in the comfort of their own home. For example, our Care and Wellness Package provides services such as Personal Care & Home Support, In-home Nursing, and Companionship, with the flexibility to add more support later, like Post-Hospital Care, Dementia Care, or Round-the-Clock Care. At Vyta, we believe that choosing a caregiver isn’t just about finding someone to help—it’s about building a relationship. Our approach focuses on continuity of care, fostering personal connections, and creating personalized plans that adapt as your loved one’s needs evolve.
When presenting these options, mention the possibility of starting small with services like meal prep, light housekeeping, or companionship, and adding on as needs change. You’ve likely considered how to manage the financial aspects—whether through a pension, family contributions, or other means—so share your thoughts and invite your loved ones to express theirs. Keep an open mind—your first solution may not be the one that works long-term, but together, you can create a care plan that prioritizes comfort, independence, and dignity.
Focus on the bigger picture
As part of the conversation, remind your parents of what is likely their larger goal: to stay in their home long term and maintain their independence. If they are concerned about giving up privacy (a legitimate fear), help them to see that the caregivers will soon be familiar faces, and that having help in their home is ultimately less of a change than moving. Reassure them that you care about their quality of life, and that with help they can maintain that. You can even be honest about the challenges you may feel about not having the time to help them as much as you’d like, and that by finding help you’ll feel less stressed yourself.
Decide on a next step
If the conversation goes well, the next step may be to start a trial of the service. In that case, offer to do the outreach and set it up, or better yet, to call the service together on speaker phone if your parents want to be involved. Make sure that their questions are answered and that they feel involved in the process. If the conversation ends with your parent saying that they will think about it and want to discuss later, make a note in your calendar to bring it up in another couple of weeks so the idea doesn’t stall. If they go ahead, check in with them to ask how it’s going. Share the results with your siblings and ensure that they are also checking in. Remember that this may be a change to your parents’ lifestyle, so they need continued support as they adjust.
While adding home care can be a stressful topic and the responses may not be ideal, that’s not a good enough reason to avoid the conversation. The earlier you start having these discussions, the more you reveal yourself as your parents’ ally in aging, and the longer you can see them continue to be happy in the home they love.