How to care for your aging parents without breaking up with your siblings
How to care for your aging parents without breaking up with your siblings
Siblings are our first lifelong friends and some of our most complicated relationships. They’ve witnessed every awkward phase, embarrassing moment, and personal triumph—creating a bond that’s equal parts love and occasional frustration. As you age, there will come a time when you need to come together with your siblings to help care for the other loved ones you’ve known your whole lives—your parents. No wonder feelings run high when it comes time to discuss caregiving for your parents.
So how do you get through this challenging time without breaking up with your siblings? Here are a few tips to help manage both the practicalities and the emotions:
Establish compassionate communication
Finding ways to communicate where each sibling involved feels heard and able to participate in the decision-making process can be key to entering into calm dialogue about your parents’ care. Meeting in person at a neutral time and place can be useful to reduce emotion and speak intentionally about options. If you’re further away from siblings, a videoconference can work well too (video allows you to see facial expressions and other elements we miss over the phone). Create an informal agenda of topics, and give each sibling time to express their thoughts.
Decide the role of each sibling
Despite your shared relationships, each sibling is an individual adult, with different closeness, age and proximity to their parents. Nonetheless, these differences shouldn’t prevent each from taking a role in helping mom and dad. If a brother is closest in proximity, they might be tasked with finding local helpers to assist with your parents’ property maintenance, while the sister who lives further away might be able to make a weekly phone call. Work with your siblings’ strengths and skills to assess who would be best suited to which tasks. Avoid putting the burden of care on one sibling just because they live close by or are closer emotionally to your parents by finding ways to each participate.
Speak up and share the load
If you’re feeling overwhelmed by caring responsibilities, speak up and let siblings know that you’re struggling. Remember that roles can also change over the years; for example, if one sibling is very busy one year with work or childcare responsibilities, maybe they will be able to take on more later. Maybe one sibling doesn’t have the time to provide caregiving directly but can afford to make a greater financial contribution. Revisit your roles regularly to check in.
Keep your parents involved
Unless your parent is unable to make decisions for themselves, they should be a primary voice in decision making about their own life. While it can help to discuss as siblings and come up with solutions, parents need to be on board with the ideas. And they might not see them as positively as you do. Decide how a discussion about their needs would be best received by your parents, whether an approach by one sibling or a family meeting with all.
Again, choose a neutral time and place, and consider having one sibling present information so it’s less overwhelming. If your parents have concerns, listen to them and address them directly. For example, if your mom wants to stay in the home she loves, but you feel she might need extra support, look into options that let her age in place while still getting the care she needs. Talk about the benefits of receiving care while keeping her independence, and take some time to explore different services that can help make that possible. If your parents express concern over paying for personal care assistance you think would help, discuss options for sharing the payment or help them to see how the investment is worth it in terms of aging at home.
Get official documents in order
Earlier is better to have difficult conversations with mom and dad regarding their wills and Powers of Attorney (the document that assigns decision-making if a person is unable). If one sibling is more familiar with these documents, then they may be the most appropriate to set them up. A sibling who lives closest might be the most appropriate decision-maker for the Power of Attorney. Again, involve mom and dad in this process in a neutral time and place. While you’re organizing documents for your parents, consider setting up your own paperwork, both to get it done and because it normalizes the process as a part of life.
Decide on an approach if conflict arises
Even the closest group of siblings isn’t necessarily going to agree on everything. As you’re discussing ways to help your parents, be aware of your own feelings and potential biases, then try to find empathy for your siblings and consider where they are coming from. If a discussion gets heated, take a break or agree to meet again later. Same goes for conversations with parents—don’t imagine that you’ll propose a major life change for them and they will say yes immediately. Give them time to consider options and then follow up.
If discussions are at a standstill, whether with your parents or your siblings, consider inviting a family friend to act as a mediator. This adds a more neutral voice to the discussion who may be able to articulate what they are hearing from each person and reframe the conversation. You can also hire professional family counsellors if necessary, who will have experience in resolving family conflict. Another way to get a professional involved is to invite the family counsellor or even a social worker to do a safety assessment and clarify what your parent may need from an independent perspective.
Know that caregiving is a long-term process
Even when you’ve come to a major decision, know that the process is not over. If you’ve decided that the best approach is to help mom and dad age in place, there may be a time when that’s no longer possible. Or that your parent may need extra care down the road. As you make decisions, agree to check in with your siblings regularly on major directions for care. Also find ways to keep in touch about everyday care, such as a weekly phone call. While your route to deciding on the best care for your parents may not always be smooth, the goal is clear: to help them age as successfully as possible. Keep that north star in mind and you and your siblings will get through this process together.